2009 Can Lick My Nutzzz

I knew 2009 would be rough when I woke up on the first with the biggest hangover I’ve ever had. You know a hangover is really bad when you did even have any alcohol the night before; yes an alcohol-less hangover.

Let’s rewind, so I stayed up all night on new year’s eve and watched the sunrise in the bitter rain—it was actually more enjoyable than you’re thinking.

I got home in the blaring sunlight, crashed into my bed . . . and couldn’t sleep for a while. I then surfed the internet and that put me to sleep.

Two hours and seven minutes later I woke up in pain. “Awww fuck 2009 is gonna suck” I said to myself.

I drank a big ass glass of water, took some magic Chinese green pills, a shot of airborne, two Advils, and went back to sleep.

I woke up chipper like a puppy and watched the Big 10 team get their assess handed to them in the Rose Bowl for like, the eighty-third time in a row. It was so bad I didn’t even bother watching the second half. Fuc SC!! Actually, fuc Pete Carroll. Actually, fuc every NFL team for not offering Pete Carroll a boatload of cash he just can’t refuse. Like I said, 2009 started off really bad.

A few days later, I come home and there’s a two-inch hole in my kitchen window screen. So if you aren’t growing your own tomatoes, you’re really missing out (yes this does relate to the window screen). Well I do and cherry tomatoes are “teh shit”. Up until sometime after 1/1/09, I USED TO put my cherry tomatoes in a little bowl by the window. Well, one day I came home and there was a two inch hole in the window screen and ALL of my cherry tomatoes were missing. I didn’t even know rats were that persistent.

Now losing cherry tomatoes isn’t a big deal; they do essentially “grow on trees.” What sucked was the big hole. Modern houses have easily replaceable screens. You pull out the spine, put a new screen in, stretch that screen, and push the spine back in. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it doesn’t require being a journeyman. Well, my house is old so there aren't any screen spines. My screens are nailed to the frame with wood covering the frames. Some smart person also decided to paint over the seals and the nails. Like I said, 2009 started off really bad.

The next day I’m waiting for the missus and cleaning the inside of my car windows. Lo and behold there’s a crack on my windshield. Apparently, in the rock v. front windshield cage match my car lost. Like I said, 2009 started off really bad.

I tried using one of those $10 windshield repair kits and it wouldn’t work because the crack is not on the top later of glass. Like I said, 2009 started off really bad.

Aight, so I’m ready go all out nuclear on my 2009 voodoo. I’m going to take my car for window repair and fix that crack before it becomes the grand canyon running across the front of my car. I also patched up the window screen with replacement screen and super glue and it looks aight. Lastly, I bought rat poison tablets and spread it all around my yard: “die mutha fakas die!!!”