This is where I want to be.
A few posts back, I discussed indifference and how it trumps confidence any day. The question now becomes how to achieve indifference and how do I know when I get there?
First, you won’t know WHEN you get there; you’ll just look back and realize you’ve arrived. If you have to ask the question “Am I there yet?” the answer is always “no.”
In terms of not drinking, I have achieved “it.”
I don’t drink. Whenever I go out, I order soda. While I do believe in the benefits of not consuming alcohol, that’s the subject of another day.
Many years ago, I used to qualify myself. I would say, “I gotta wake up early tomorrow, so I’m just gonna have a coke,” “a coke today,” or “I’m all done drinking so I’m only going to have soda.”
Eventually, I realized I shouldn’t qualify myself because it made me look pathetic. So I stopped that. I then began ordering as if I was saying “beer” instead of “soda.” In my mind though, I was crossing my fingers hoping no one would say anything. But people could sense that. Sometimes the waiter would say, “you come all the way to the club and only order ‘a coke?’” And then I’d have to qualify myself. Sometimes, other people would rip on me and I’d defend myself
After I got through that, I told myself I stopped caring if the waiter or others made a response. I told myself I would just ignore it.
Interestingly, the comments stopped.
Then, I just stopped caring if the waiter made a response.
Last night though, my friend said something “You just order your coke without even thinking you’re different.”
“I realized that I’ve arrived.” (as Kanye West would say it)
I realized, that for as long as I can remember, I’ve been ordering cokes without considering what others might say or think. I was beyond not caring, I was at the point of “it doesn’t even cross my mind that people would think of me differently.” The idea that the waiter, or people at my table, or others in the bar are going to see me as strange, never once popped into my head.
I am the perfectly still lake. Throw in a pebble and it makes no ripples. Throw in a boulder and the surface remains like glass. Nothing affects me.
I can’t remember when I got to this point, but the fact that I don’t think about it shows that I am definitely here.
So now I know what its like. The new task is to apply this to other things.
I know that if I’m telling myself “it doesn’t matter,” I haven’t achieved “it” yet. If I get blown out by a group of girls and I say “who cares?” I haven’t achieved “it” yet. If I get into an argument and have to tell myself “why does that matter?” I haven’t achieved it yet.
I need to get to the point where if something that I’m supposed to be indifferent toward happens, I just move on like it never occurred.
[Now just as a caveat, I don’t mean this to mean you can punch a cop in the face and walk away or that you should ignore your surroundings, merely that if you do something that you believe is right or best for you and it has possibility of social negativity, just do it with certainty. Don’t throw the grenade and brace for impact. Instead, throw the grenade know unequivocally--to your core--that the grenade will not explode, and it won’t.]
